Swiggity swooty, I'm coming for that self deprecating humor.
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What she said.
Stop touching your brain. It's not for you.
The toilet paper at my work is on the wrong way and I'm about to friggin lose my shit.
If I say I'm "alright" I'm probably actually alright or I'm terrible. If I say that I'm "so good" I'm being sarcastic.
Is he single?
Just saw it. Loved it.
This is late. Now you have to get drunk again and confess more.
I want to know who it is so I can use him.
Is it just me? Or am I funnier when I'm depressed?
Pep talks are supposed to make you feel good about yourself. They just make me feel bad about feeling bad about myself.
Plastic table cloths are just super convenient trash bags.
Being a pessimist isn't that bad. You're either right or pleasantly surprised.
Always by erasure
Maybe I don't get it enough, but I've never had a problem getting ice cream from McDonald's. The machine has always worked.